November 14th 1984 (Age 29)
The exam starts tomorrow and i am still wasting some of my precious time to post a blog.
There must be something wrong with me. What's wrong with me??!! Damn it!
It's been quite some time since I post my picture.
So here's one. Took it with my lousy handphone. I'm not rich to get myself a new phone as well as another digital camera.
Look how bad I look...like so depressed right?? I know it's not depressed enough cuz it's just one random shot. I can't show the world how bad i look like right?
What to do.
Even Chiang Lai said I look worn out. She even told me that my breast is quite flat now. I mean not flat but shrinked. Even my bras were loose.
This time round, the depression weren't that bad or serious as to compare to previous times. Previous times were..so bad..real bad.
I have been trying very hard to be positive this time. I know the positiveness is not enough but at least i can see difference. I cry less and there's no gastric pain. That's a big improvement.
But I must say, the fear is still there. The fear of failing eventhough I am quite use to fail which is bad.
For the past weeks, I have been trying really really hard to study to show that I gave my efforts eventhough...well... But it's been hard because they are too much distraction.
There's one lady who tends to sing karaoke almost everyday starting from 3pm and her voice is really out of tune. Then there's another household where the mom is always scolding her sons, shouting..total hell.
One of the neighbours is undergoing a major renovation. So basically, everyday there were drilling noise, knocking and stuff.
Then neighbours cooking salt fish. Can you imagine the horrible smell that I need to go through? Heavy rains which one of the day made my ceiling leak water and parts of my bed is slighty wet. Lucky I realised it early.
Ah Har told me to go to the library to study but i think it's a bit too late now. Library is a good choice if you start early. I'm not saying that by starting late can't go to the library. I felt that the time is too critical. Plus travelling can be tiring.
I have been praying really hard to God. I know it may not help much but at least I made the effort to tell God how bad I felt.
Anyway I will still go to the exam and give my best shot. Never know there can be suprises.
Lastly, Teru-san Happy Birthday!
I do not know why this always happen to me.
I've tried very hard to change but it just wouldn't change.
I really hope this would end so that I can start up fresh. But...
I really did try but...it just wouldn't start. It's just mere crapping.
Why am I always like that??
Why do I always let history repeats itself?
I am so bad at handling time and stress.
All I could do it just cry, cry, panic and cry again.
There are so much problems arising everytime I took an exam.
Thinking of whether should I work and continue studying...
M.Y. told me I should take a sitting off and work first. She told me taking a break off helps as you might be able to clear the mind.
JL told me that I should work to gain experience as I'm not young anymore. And as for class and exams take it slow. Don't rush.
KX did tell me the same thing but work when there are few papers left like 3 papers...
SH told be to work hard till the very last second and finish everything then come out to work. HZ n EG told be to do the same as well because after working there's a possibility that I don't have the time and drive to study.
Father told me to work as he is not young anymore eventhough he didn't mention it. But I can see that he is struggling hard to support the family. I really feel bad and he is workin everyday with no off days to keep the income coming.
Mummy ask me to stop studying and work. She said everytime I'm preparing for the exam I am so depressed that I cried almost every hour. She told me to quit.
-Father, I really do hope I can be as tough as you surviving real hard to support the family. I am truly grateful to have you around. I am really sorry for always treating you so harsh. I felt so bad for asking money from you. I know you are struggling hard to support me and i really felt that i;m a financial burden for the family. I really hope this could end.
Whenever I see someone graduates, I will ask myself when is it gonna be my turn. Especially those who are younger than me.
I really hate it when relatives ask me till when I wanna study. When are you coming out to work.
I don't want to be the older full time student in class. I just felt that i wasn't supposed to be there. Whenever someone ask how old am I, I'm embarrassed to tell them.
Sometimes I ask myself whether did I made the right choice. If yes, is there enough execution to the choice I made.
Then if I made a decision to work, will the money I earned enough for me to support my fees as well as to contribute to the family. And will I ever have the discipline to study and handle time and stress as good as PN and LW?
I remember a few months back, Ying asking me about when am I starting to work, I just cried out. She was shocked, real shocked of course saying that that's the first time I cry in front of her out of a sudden. She told me that I have been really really stressful and even treat me dinner and joke around to cheer me up.
I really hope I can finish ACCA faster. And at the same time come out work to earn money to support and contribute to the family and not be a financial burden to my father.
I really hope for a change. A change that will change me forever.
Such a tearful post. I'm not sure is it because I'm such a crybaby or because I'm sentimental or is it because of stress.
check this out
I just happen to watch this on tv and I just felt this mtv is so different.
I like the idea.
my latest obsession~
Oh well, exams around the corner.
The guitarist of the legendary band, Luna Sea.
I know I have a weird taste. And yes I purposely post a pic that with him holding a cigarette I'm not saying that I like guys who smokes but I like cool hunky guys who smokes. And did you notice, he is actually a LEFTY!!! yeah...that's a bonus.
J I haven't forget you. You will still be my favourite bassist. As well as my dream guy.
Same goes to you Hide-sama.
So...Darius go eat shit!!!
Now I felt like I have been falling in love with the wrong band for the pass decade. WTF!
Really. After investing so much of getting so many Glay stuff only I realised they are not my true love.
Fuckhenathan. Well not that serious lar. I like the older days of Glay. The GLay now tends to be too popsy.
Since watching Hide Memorial Summit and God Bless You~One Night Dejavu online, only then I realised that Luna Sea performance has got substance. And from there I noticed Inoran is so cute. So that is why.
After that, I watch and read a lot of stuff on Luna Sea to know them more.
And I manage to find one pirated MP3 CD which I bought very very long ago. And there like 3 albums over there which one of it, I have already owned it. So the other 2 I just copied it and listen.
Now, I need a dose of Luna Sea every few hours. Its worse than the first time I started obessessing with GLay.
Honestly, the very first J-Rock song and MV i watched is not on Glay. It never was GLay. It was Luna Sea. I remembered it clearly as it was around 1999. Cuz that the time everything was about this teenager group Speed. Then I was watching this Taiwan music show and it happens to view this clip.
My first impression. "EEyer...why the guitarist play the guitar until like that?'. I searched for the video. I know the video is not from the Shine era. So it must be before the Shine era. I searched for it and I managed to find it.
Luna Sea- In Silence. No kidding. The remember the part where the lead singer in sitting on a chair and the members playing the instrument around him. I also remember he wasn't singing and keep on looking on the camera.
Back to the topic.
Yeah I need a heavy dosage of Luna Sea everyday at a time like this when actually I need to work my ass off preparing for my exams. WTF
I was youtube-ing around and found Breathe. I had this song in my MP3 for quite some time but skips it everytime. Then I used up some of my time to listen it. I watch the music video for the first minute then the video stop loading and I go watch the live instead. I fell in love immediately after watching it. Both "God Bless You" version and the "Shining Brightly" version. The guitar performance by Inoran throughout the song was so calming. Overall the song possesses a very good vibe. Guess who composed it?? INORAN!!! Fantastic. This song is also the one of the songs in Mulan's official soundtrack, japanese version.
24.12.2007 God Bless You.
24.12.1998 Shining Brightly
The next song that I like was MOTHER. This song sounds very emotional. The first time I heard it few days back. I don't know why this happens..there were tears. No kidding. This is the 2nd song that made me cry. The first one was Without You by X-Japan. The way Ryuichi sang this song live was just fantastic. Sugizo's violin performance suited the song so well. And guess what, INORAN was the composer for this song.1995 Lunatic Tokyo
Don't worry J. I like your RA-SE-N. Powerful song.
Ok enough of live performance.
Now for MV. My favourite MV is Shine.
Why? I like the ending. Inoran looks so cute. J looks cool, he should have been topless. Sugizo's flamboyant, as usual. Ryuichi's eye is seducing me in one of the part.
Haha. Now Ryuichi is so fat. And tacky...you should see him wear that G*ll**n* brand top at Hide Memorial Summit. Nightmare. J is getting more manly. Inoran is thinner n more handsome now. Sugizo..hmmm...still the same. Shinya...fatter but i watch one tv show few days back, he lose some weight though.
Since then, I have been wanting to get their albums and DVDs. The DVD that I'm dying to watch n own it now is God Bless You~One Night Dejavu and Manatsu no Yagai. Besides that Lunatic Tokyo's playlist is quite good. Final Act, still thinking because it's quite expensive. I'm hoping for Capacity Infinity to release again.
As for albums...I want all of them. Especially MOTHER.
All this needs money. And I have to start investing all over again. Just like I started Glay's almost 10 years back. But I think this time I will need a shorter period of time.
And lastly, In My Dream.
I'll see you in my dream. La~~la la. La~la la la~
(I couldn't believe I used up my precious 3 hours to study for my exams to blog. Now I can study in peace. )
it's indeed a bloody unlucky day
Today indeed is my unlucky day.
I wrote a very long post on what bad stuff happens today and when i was bolding some of the words. Suddenly the whole bloody long post was gone.
GONE JUST LIKE THAT.
Ma Chau Hai.
I don't feel like typing anymore. I need a rest.
Remember my previous post on Bleach? I introduce the top 3 espadas.
Before that when i look at the top 3. I notice one of them look very familiar.
Familiar as in it looks something like a cartoon character.
A Disney cartoon character.
You see the crown and the moustache and the colour of his hair...
Let's see a close up
Of course, Baraggan is a bit fatter than the cartoon character.
Don't you think he looks like... him:
Yes!!! King Triton from Little Mermaid.
Look at the crown and the moustache.
Except for the body...don;t you think they look alike??